Reflections

By this time in Suki's recovery I started to think about what might have been. She and I had had some training bumps and bruises, but with her back feeling better our training was beginning to click again. As much as I knew that the outcome could have been much worse, and that I actually could have lost my beloved Suki, I sometimes encountered the "why did this happen to MY horse" feelings. Some of the boarders were complaining about losing all of their equipment, and having difficulties finding another suitable boarding facility. At times I just wanted scream at them "At least you have your horses and you are able to ride them!!" I never let this bitterness show, but it certainly festered beneath the surface. But I was still grateful to have my horse!

I read about a woman with a special needs cat. She said that she felt that the cat came into her life to make her a better person. Perhaps that is what is happening to me.... I already feel like Suki has taught me so much about bravery and survival!
There was also guilt associated with Suki being boarded at a rehabilitation farm. I often felt that I should be the one performing all of the care, and I always felt terrible when I couldn't make it to the farm to see her. Those feelings ultimately eased, because in my heart I knew that this was the best possible situation for Suki, and eventually she would be ready for a regular boarding situation.

I was also preparing to buy a 2 year old filly. Heather had a very nice baby that she said would be perfect for me, and I could make payments to buy her. She sold me Nikki for a very good price and I would bring her home in the spring. My history is that as one horse progresses I buy a young horse to bring along behind it. But this time there wouldn't be a mature horse that I would be riding. I would be waiting for Nikki to be old enough to start under saddle. But I was not ready to give up the hope that I would some day ride Suki again.

December 7, 2011
I leave for my conference tomorrow and Deb will take care of Suki. There really is not as much extra care as there used to be, but she still requires daily exfoliation, etc.
Suki was VERY cranky tonight! She has been in for two days due to rain, and will likely be in again tomorrow. Plus she has a new neighbor in the stall next to her so she is hard set on scaring him with mean faces. He appears to be completely unfazed, which really makes her angry!
I will try to post while I am away, but will probably only get to it 2-3 times. Next Wednesday I will be back to regular posting
PS This is one of my favorite pictures of me and Suki....Age 3 1/2, just 3 months under saddle!

round penning

Once we recovered from the bumps in the road, Suki progressed nicely. Kelly did a phenomenal job with the treatments, and the new schedule for weaning Suki from the gabapentin seemed to be working. I worried daily about her recovery....not about how she was being treated or the quality of care, just that Suki could have a normal life. As the burned skin sloughed away the new skin under it was pink and sensitive. This new skin required constant attention and my worries increased as the weather grew colder. It would soon be time for Suki to start wearing sheets and blankets and I was unsure of how that would affect the sensitive skin.

Because no one ever really provided after care instructions other than medications and allowing the last patch of eschar on her back slough off gently and at its own pace, we were really at a loss as to how to continue. When I started to put sheets on Suki, the wound would weep a little and stick to the blanket. I don't know why it never occurred to us to bandage it. Probably because it is such a difficult area to bandage, and we were drilled in the importance of the wound drying out. The area still seemed to be healing, but it was a very slow process.

Part of Suki's training had been western round pen training, so she can basically lunge without a lunge line. To increase her exercise I started to "round pen" her in the paddock. It was fun to see her old spark and to watch in awe as she trotted around me. Suki had not forgotten her training. And I do believe she was smiling those first few times!! During those early sessions I began to close my eyes and feel that trot and canter in my mind. Suki's trot is amazing....it is soft and floaty. I wanted so desperately to sit on her again, but was grateful that she was alive.

As the weeks progressed I noticed something else. Suki no longer smelled like fire! I hugged her daily, so this was quite the development. About that time her mane and tail also began to lose their "melted" appearance and grow in normally.

Kelly's students did a fine job of spoiling Suki and they really seemed to love her. Of course Suki was also enjoying her celebrity status and thrived on the extra attention!

Toward the end of September I was scheduled to attend a conference in Berlin. Just one more thing for me to worry about! I knew that Kelly would continue taking good care of Suki, but just as worried about being far from my son, I worried about being that far from Suki. I was scheduled to leave on a Friday night, and the Monday before Isaiah developed a fever. The next day he was fine, so I was less worried about leaving. That Wednesday I developed a fever, and by Friday AM it was clear that I would not be able to travel that night. We delayed my flight to Sunday PM, but by Saturday Michael and I were diagnosed with H1N1. My trip was ultimately cancelled and I was unable to see Suki for nearly two weeks. Kelly made a get well poster for me, and all of Suki's visitors signed it. Why was I worried??? : )

December 5, 2011
This weather is crazy! One night Suki is wearing a medium weight blanket, and tonight she is wearing a light sheet. By Wednesday night it looks like the cold weather will be here to stay for awhile. I leave for a conference on Thursday, so if the weather steadies Deb will not have as much to worry about for clothing for Suki! Now that the graft area is healed, the majority of Suki's daily care consists of exfoliation and moisturizing. The bandage is for padding to prevent bruising, so there is no more actual "wound care". A year ago I honestly thought I would never see that day!

I had very lovely rides on Nikki this weekend. Tomorrow she will get a blanket clip due to her VERY fuzzy coat. I think that she is going to be quite the star this spring!

Not so fast!

When Suki arrived at Kelly's she still required quite a bit of medication. The instructions that she was discharged from the hospital with included a "dialing down" of those medications. When I read the instructions it seemed rather abrupt, but I did not question it. Suki was still taking the gabapentin, which relieved the neuropathic pain as the burns healed. It also helped with the "itchies". Daily exfoliating also helped, but with that patch of eschar in the middle of her back, and the scabbing on her head, Suki had a lot of itchies!

Because my office was 15 minutes form Kelly's farm, sometimes I would visit Suki during lunch. It was a nice break for me and I think Suki enjoyed it as well. I wasn't doing her treatments so there wasn't any stress for her. I would groom, feed treats and just stand there and talk to her. Suki was recovering nicely and the daily treatments appeared to be beneficial.

So, the dialing down of the gabapentin began.....
Once again, a telephone call after 10 PM from Kelly. "Suki is scratching frantically and is opening wounds. She seems very distressed. I think I should call the vet."

So once again, Willow Creek Equine was called for an emergency visit. I really have to confess that I thought I had made the wrong decision regarding Suki's health and well being. Was I wrong for saving her? Was she going to always have episodes like this? Was she at the right rehab farm? I was always really concerned that Suki was happy and healthy and that the decision that I had made was not just for me, but because she wanted to live!

Dr. X sedated Suki lightly to relieve some of her anxiety. We discussed the reduction of the gabapentin and realized that it was just too quick. Suki was obviously still experiencing some neuropathic discomfort which was not unusual given the extent of her injuries. The next day I discussed the situation with the veterinarians at New Bolton and we revised the protocol. This seemed to do the trick, and Suki was comfortable once again. While she needed to be weaned off the gabapentin eventually, an important part of the recovery was comfort level. A huge part of this was lack of experience. Most horses with such extensive burns did not survive. treatment was trial and error. My beautiful girl rose to the occasion, but any level of discomfort hurt me as well. For me, everything was about Suki being happy and healthy and every decision was made with that in mind. So many people have said that they believed that Suki should have been "put down" immediately, and that most people would have done just that. I tried to think with my head and not my heart that day, but when I called her name and she answered, I knew that I at least needed to try. If at any time I thought she was in severe pain, I would have relieved her of that. But she seemed so NORMAL! And every day that I am with her now, I know that it was indeed, the right decision. She brings joy to me and everyone she meets.

December 3, 2011
This photo is from one month after the fire. Isn't the difference amazing?? When I look at Suki now I can hardly believe how far she has come. On Friday, I saw a Facebook post about a dog named Rescue whose "Dad" was a firefighter. Rescue is now an orphan because his dad died suddenly at the age of 40. He was given a well deserved hero's funeral having saved many lives during his too short life. Rescue's plight struck me hard....a very brave firefighter saved Suki that terrible night. The good news is that Rescue is going to be trained by a retired K-9 cop trainer to be a therapy dog and will then go to a retired, injured or ill first responder. So many brave people and animals.....

The healing continues

In spite of that first bump in the road, Suki settled in quite nicely at Kelly's. Being able to go outside again and get some exercise was having a tremendous impact on her recovery. She couldn't get into too much trouble but was still able to move around comfortably.

Construction workers who were building a shed on the other side of the paddocks even commented about the show she would give them....a little piaffe, a little passage, and a pirouette or two. They said they had never seen a horse move so elegantly. Suki was definitely showing off for them! She always knows when she has an admiring audience!

Since Kelly had moved Magic to the stall next to Suki, things quieted down a bit. Oh, Suki still made faces and lunged at the bars, but Magic would just stand there casually eating his hay. "Is that all you've got?" he seemed to say.

Suki's skin improved steadily, but there was still a small patch of burned skin on her back that needed to slough off. Kelly gently, but diligently worked on this as the dead skin fell away. Sometimes I was unsure of my role in Suki's treatment. She was at Kelly's so that she would be able to continue her treatments, even though I was highly capable of doing it, but just didn't have the flexibility in my schedule for the necessary consistency. Sometimes I felt like one of those hands off owners, even though I know that was not the case. My constant presence was important for Suki and I enjoyed our time together, but I couldn't help but feel that I had failed her somehow. Of course when I was with Suki and she was snuffling my hair, digging in my pockets and banging her feet for treats I knew that she still loved me unconditionally!

Suki's left side had not been as badly burned as her right side, and she was beginning to regain her coppery coat and healthy dapples. She was flourishing under the constant care, and in many ways began to look like herself again. Of course her personality never wavered. Most people, including her doctors were astonished by her attitude. Anyone who met her said that Suki's determination to survive was inspirational, and I began to see my beautiful, brave girl as a hero. Unencumbered by self consciousness Suki was able to be true to herself and heal in a way that humans find difficult.

Kelly taught a few lessons at her barn so Suki was also receiving treats and visits from several little girls. She certainly enjoyed the extra attention and watched as they moved about the barn. I wondered if she missed having a job to do, but with the extra activity and her daily outings, boredom did not seem to be a problem.

December 1, 2011
Well, I spoke to soon about knowing Suki's antics, and was presented with a mouthful of water! My own fault I'm sure, as I probably got in the way of her dunking ritual! Everyday her big pile of hay is put in the corner of the stall near her feed tub. And every day she proceeds to move the entire pile across the stall and in front of her water buckets so that she can dunk every mouthful of hay (and make mean faces at Thumper in the stall next to her!

A bump in the road

The first few days at Kelly's farm went well, as we all tried to settle into a routine. Kelly was performing most of the treatments and medicating, so my visits primarily involved grooming and fussing over Suki! She was going outside twice a day for short periods before sunrise and after sunset. The exercise was a crucial element in Suki's recovery, both physical and mental well being. She was learning how to be a horse again. While I am certain that she was happy about this, you can't tell me that she didn't miss her air conditioning and lack of bugs from ICU!

Kelly recognized Suki's diva personality right form the start. She was constantly amazed by how gentle Suki was given her enormous size. Kelly also discovered Suki's game with water. "Suki spit water at me!" she said. I just laughed. "Oh yeah. I forgot to warn you about that!" I laughed. Suki loves to take a big drink of water when you are standing in her stall. But she doesn't swallow it, and you can see (once you know that she does it) that she is holding the water in her mouth. "Spit it out", I say to her. Suki then turns her head and spits the water out on the floor. Such a jokster, that girl!

Toward the end of the first week Kelly called me at around 10 PM. "Suki has gotten her halter over her ear and she won't let me get near her head", Kelly said. Suki has always been fine about having her face, head and ears handled, but the treatments required after the fire had made her little head shy.

Again, Michael was away of course....perfect timing as usual! I suggested sedating her and removing the halter, but Kelly did not have the appropriate medication for this. My friend Donna was farm sitting next door, so I called her for help. Donna agreed to go and give a hand, so I found myself waiting again for a telephone call. Donna and Kelly re-evaluated the situation and we decided to call the vet for assistance.

Dr. XX sedated Suki and tried to remove the halter. Because she had been scratching her head on the wall the halter had pulled over her ear and caused some bleeding to the wound on her ear that was still healing since the calf incident. The fabric on the padded halter was now adhered to Suki's ear with dried blood. All of that was removed and the wound dressed again. Dr. XX recommended that we keep the halter off to avoid this problem in the future. I was hesitant to do that because it was our only means of restraint, and Suki was not to the point where a halter could be put on and taken off easily. With daily treatments required, my concern was not having the ability to control her for that purpose. But Kelly had been treating Suki's wounds while she was eating and felt comfortable continuing it in that way. With a door directly leading into her paddock, she did not even require a halter for turnout. The area behind Suki's ears was taking a long time to heal because the halter was rubbing on it also. Everyone agreed: best to leave the halter off. "Okay," I finally agreed. "Let's give it a try."

This seemed to work well, so we were back on track. I have to admit, Suki seemed much more comfortable without the halter. It's just so difficult to determine what is going to work best in that situation. No one really had any experience in dealing with a horse recovering from severe burns, so we operated a lot by trial and error! The common denominator was that everyone's main concern was keeping Suki comfortable and happy.

Poor Kelly had to mix the sloppy medicine potion every day and make sure that Suki ate all of it twice a day. I know that it was a lot of work. With Suki's requirements and the need to check her every hour or so, Kelly became somewhat tethered to the farm. There isn't any way that Suki would have been able to be in a regular boarding situation with all of that care. I would not have been able to devote that much time to her care with all of my other responsibilities. It makes you realize the necessity of good rehabilitation/lay up farms in the horse industry.

November 29, 2011
Rainy day today, so Suki was only out for a little while this morning. But that is certainly better than nothing! She really enjoyed her grooming, etc last night and even let me massage her face. I wish that I didn't have to put the bandage on her skin graft area, but it needs the padding for now still. I am hoping that by spring the skin will be tough enough to go without it.
The shadow on Suki's eye in this photo is not an ulcer....it is just the photo. The ulcers cleared within a week and her vision appears to be completely normal.

First Day at Kelly's

Suki seemed to settle in well that first day. Kelly was comfortable with handling her, so I went home for yet another restless night! Although I was comfortable with Kelly taking care of Suki, I was pretty nervous about that first night. At New Bolton I knew that Suki was being watched at all times, and was in a very controlled environment. This was a new situation, and would require a period of adjustment.

Apparently I was not the only one who had a restless night. When I spoke to Kelly the next day she had quite a story to tell! Suki had been making mean faces at the horse in the stall next to her. She can do a snake face that now rivals my late mare Jenny! This poor little horse was cowering on the far side of his stall, so Kelly moved the horses around. Magic, a very cute Paint gelding was put in the stall next to Suki. He was completely unmoved by her antics. In fact, Magic would stand right next to the bars and not even flinch! Suki had met her match.

Because of this switch, Kelly was nervous about how things would play out during the night. So she pulled her car up to the barn and slept in it, in order to be able to keep a close watch on everyone. Many people take their work seriously, but Kelly proved to me that she was unmatched in her dedication to Suki's care.

Before sunrise the next day, Kelly let Suki out in the small paddock behind her stall (photo). It was the first time that Suki was outside, without a lead rope since the day of the fire. A grand moment indeed!

Turnout for horses is so essential to their physical and mental health, so this was a huge step in Suki's progress. The paddock was large enough to walk and trot around without getting into too much trouble. That first morning Kelly was treated to Suki's piaffe and passage....you can take the girl out of the dressage arena, but you can't take the natural instinct of the breeding out of the girl! Kelly would witness much of Suki's brilliance during these outings! She once commented that her little horses could not canter in these paddocks, but there was 17.2+ hand Suki, cantering 10 meter circles simply for the sheer joy of movement!

Kelly was diligent in feeding Suki her medications, and treating her skin. Within the first 24 hours I knew that my decision was the right one. But we still had a long way to go.

November 27, 2011
Suki was out all day today, so I know that she was happy. It is very relaxing for both of us as we perform our evening ritual of skin care and grooming.
I was also treated to a wonderful early morning ride on Nikki. It was cold, but you forget about the elements as soon as you put your foot in the stirrup!
Thanks for the comments....I have not been able to post responses but am working on that!

I'm outa here!

August 25, 2009: nearly seven weeks after being admitted to New Bolton Center, Suki was discharged. I was thrilled that she was well enough to leave the confines of ICU, but also terrified. We still had a long road ahead of us. While Suki was in the hospital, I knew that she was being well cared for and any complications would be handled immediately. Life on the outside would be different, and while Kelly would be handling most of the care, emergencies would require calling out a veterinarian. I knew that I could call the doctors at New Bolton any time I needed to, but the security of the past seven weeks was gone.

Several days before, I bought new leg wraps for Suki. In addition to almost losing my horse I had lost practically all of my equipment. Years and years of the accumulation of equipment and supplies, gone in the blink of a spark.

I was a bundle of nervous energy during the drive to Kennett Square. There just seemed to be so many loose ends and questions. I felt so unprepared for the next phase in her recovery, but also realized it was time for Suki to be a horse again.

My husband brought the trailer around close to the ICU building while I went to the front desk to complete the paperwork. I was handed several pages of instructions, several boxes of medicine and supplies, and a $17,000 vet bill. The receptionists were teary and there were hugs all around. They have seen so much in that office. Many people leave in tears when their beloved horses do not survive. I was one of the lucky ones. My story had a happy ending.

We decided to slightly tranquilize Suki for the trip, since we did not know how she would react to getting into a horse trailer. Legs wrapped and a little woozy, nurse X led Suki out of ICU and into the sunshine. At first it looked as if she might walk right onto the trailer.....but then changed her mind. When it became apparent that in spite of our patients and persistence Suki was NOT going to load, we called the behaviorist who had worked on trailer loading before. I like to refer to it as her "psych consult". Fifteen minutes later Suki was on the trailer.

An hour or so behind schedule, I called Kelly to tell her that we were finally on our way. The trip was smooth. Thank heaven for small favors! Kelly was there to greet us and to help get Suki settled in. She welcomed me with a hug....sometimes you just need that.

Suki unloaded easily and walked into her new stall. She has always settled in easily to new surroundings, but I was unsure of how traumatized she was by the fire. Apparently, as she had demonstrated all along, Suki is quite resilient. She made faces at the horse in the stall next to her, who cowered on the other side of his stall, then got down to the business of eating her hay.

Kelly had prepared a cheese, fruit and cracker platter for us. "I know how everyone always forgets to eat!" she said. We went through all of the instructions from New Bolton again, and I was pretty confident that Suki would be OK. There was nothing left for me to do but go home and get a good night's sleep. I was emotionally drained! Suki seemed fine!

November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving. A long day of cooking, but I went to see Suki this morning and snuck in an early morning ride on Nikki. That always makes me feel better. I added some photos to this post as an experiment....thoughts?